Postman Morning constable, not in your car today?
Constable No, I am afraid not, new orders. We are to get around on foot more. The powers that be think that driving about in cars make us lazy. They don't seem to realise that we can do our beat much faster in a car.
Postman Can't say that I agree with you there. You whiz round so quickly that you don't see the wood for the trees.
Constable Not many tree around here.
Postman You know what I mean though. From a car you can see houses and people walking along the road, but not anything lurking behind walls and fences. Cars are noisy things too, wrongdoers can here them coming.
Constable We don't only look for wrongdoers you know, we help the public in many other ways.
Postman Yes I know, perhaps I am being unfair; but it is the small things that matter. Being a postman I see little details that most people miss. Did you know that there is a hedgehog asleep behind Mrs. Brown's wall?
Constable Action at last! I'll go and arrest it straight away for loitering.
Postman Very funny. I was just trying to point out that the only way to know what really is going on in the neighbourhood is to walk around on foot.
Constable Yes, I suppose you are right.
Hallo Mrs. Brown, we were just talking about you.
Mrs. Brown What do you mean? I'm sure I haven't done anything wrong.
Constable No, no Mrs. Brown; nothing to worry about. The postman here was just remarking about a hedgehog behind your garden wall.
Mrs. Brown Oh that's Charlie, he visits us nearly every day. I expect it is because I leave a saucer of milk out for him; they are very good for the garden you know. I can hear that wretched car coming again, it nearly knocked me down yesterday.
There what did I say constable, wasn't he driving like a madman?
Constable Well perhaps that is an exaggeration. Let's say that he was driving without due care and attention. It will be my duty to report him to my superiors....only I didn't get his number.
Postman Now is your chance for he is coming back.
Mrs. Brown Did you get his number constable?
Constable No, he was going too fast. I will see if he has stopped on the other side of the village.
Postman I had better be off too. I have my round to finish.
Shopkeeper Was that the mad car driver again?
Mrs. Brown Yes, it looked like the same one that I told you about yesterday.
Shopkeeper Something has to be done before there is a an accident. I will go and phone the police station right away.
Mrs. Brown There is no need, the constable is looking into it. Nasty things cars, belching out all that smoke and pollution. Should do away with them I say. Leave the roads free for law abiding citizens like me.
Shopkeeper If there were no cars, Mrs. Brown, there would be no roads.
Mrs. Brown And a good thing too.
Shopkeeper How would I get the supplies for my shop? You would have to go without your favourite cakes for tea. Mr. Kipling couldn't be expected to deliver them on foot. Before the invention of the car there were only muddy tracks; no delivery vans then.
Mrs. Brown Henry the Eight had no problem. He had a banquet nearly every night. Roast oxen, chickens by the score; someone must have delivered them.
Shopkeeper Ah yes, but he was king and was surrounded by vast estates. Ordinary folk had to grow their own food and most of them never travelled further than ten miles from home all their lives.
Mrs. Brown But they had horses didn't they?
Shopkeeper Well I suppose a few of them did, but look what a mess they made; most unhygenic.
Mrs. Brown Oh you have an answer for everything, Mr. Turner. But I can't stand here talking all day. Felix, my cat, will be annoyed if I am not home to feed him soon. Good day to you Mr. Turner.
Shopkeeper Well I never, she doesn't like to lose an argument.
Oh hallo constable, what happened about the car?
Constable I was unable to find it. The matter is now in the hands of the traffic police and there is every hope that the driver will be apprehended soon.
And what are you doing out of school my lad?
Billy Don't you remember Peter? It's half term.
Constable Now then Billy. I may be your uncle but when on duty I am Constable Higgins to youngsters like you.
Billy Well Constable Higgins I am Mr. William Mathews to oldsters like you.
Shopkeeper If I hear you being rude to the constable again Billy I will ban you from my shop; no more sweets or icecream. Apologise at once.
Billy I am very sorry Constable Higgins, but why is it wrong to call you by your christian name when you call me by mine?
Constable I suppose it is all to do with age and experience. You see I have lived a great deal longer than you and have seen many more things. You wouldn.t like a boy half your age being rude to you. Being polite does not cost anything and it makes people happy.
Billy My little sister is not very polite to me.
Constable And you don't like it do you?
Billy No I think she is horrid.
Constable Well there you are then; you were not very polite to me a while back and I didn't think much of it either. Try and set an example and you may even come to like her one day.
Billy Yes I see what you mean. Ill give it a go......Constable Higgins.
Shopkeeper I am glad you two are friends again. I must be off and see whether my assistant in the shop is managing all right.
Constable I must be off too, Billy. We are having an "Open Day" at the police station next Saturday, why don't you come and see how the place works.
Billy Will I be able to see the cells and go for a drive in a police car?
Constable You will certainly be able to see the cells but I am not too sure about the car. Try and be there at two o'clock and I will see what I can do.
Billy That's really cool; I'll be there. What is that noise though, sounds as if there is a giant coming up the road?
Constable I think this needs investigating.
Billy Look it's an elephant!
Constable Yes I had come to that conclusion myself. Now what is an elephant doing here with nobody looking after it. It must have escaped from a circus.
Billy Are you going to arrest it?
Constable I don't quite see how; it is rather large to put handcuffs on even if it had hands. If it only had a keeper I would be able to take down some particulars.
Hannibal Why not try asking me?
Billy Did you hear what I heard?
Constable Now Billy that is not very nice, after all I said about respect. If you must practice ventriloquism please do it at home.
Billy It wasn't me. I think it was the elephant that spoke.
Hannibal Of course it was me. It is always the same nobody ever believes I can talk. Most animals are not as dumb as you may think. How on earth would they be able to organise their lives if they didn't talk to one another. Birds are expert at it, but gossip far too much. Haven't you ever seen them sitting in trees chattering away? It is not just nonsense they are twittering; they are telling each other all about what they have been doing during the day. Where the best worms are, the top bird table in the neighbourhood, what the thieving magpies were up to.
Constable I can't believe this. Look here er....elephant.
Hannibal Hannibal if you don't mind.
Constable Well....Hannibal; I still find all this hard to believe. If it is really you talking and not Billy here playing a joke would you mind walking backwards a few steps.
Now go forwards.
Well I never. I have experienced many things in my time but nothing as remarkable as this.
Hannibal When you have quite finished, I am getting rather tired of being ordered about. If you would kindly point me in the direction of Africa I will be on my way.
Constable Africa! You are a long way frpm there. Why do you want to go to Africa?
Hannibal It is a long story. I have spent all my life so far in what I think you call a "Wildlife Park", only a few miles from here.
Billy That must be the one near Franchester; but what happened, why are you here, didn't they treat you very well?
Hannibal They did not mistreat me if that is what you mean. I was fed and housed in quite comfortable surroundings and was free to roam in the park; but it is not the same as Africa where there are hundreds of miles of open space for elephants.
Billy How do you know that if you have spent all your life in the park?
Hannibal My Mother told me of course. Anyhow last month I overheard two of the keepers saying that the park has to close down as there was no more money to keep it going. The animals are to be sold to zoos in France and Germany.
Constable What is wrong with that?
Hannibal Zoos are not like woldlife parks you know, most of the animals are kept in cages. Also I have no intention of learning another language, English is hard enough as it is. So I am off to Africa to find some other elephants.
Constable I am afraid that is not going to be possible Mr......er....Hannibal. Animals cannot be allowed to wander around by themselves..
Hannibal Humans do.
Constable That is different, we are much smaller thanyou and there are laws.
Billy I haven't heard of any laws that stop elephants from walking about by themselves.
Constable Now I have told you before, Billy, about your behaviour; now be quiet and let me deal with this.
Billy Well I think it is unfair.....
Constable Be quiet!
There he goes again, so fast I still could not get his number. Did you Billy?
Constable That does it, I am going to have a word with your parents right now.
Billy Please don't do that, I am very sorry. I didn't get his number but I think I recognised the driver; if it is who I think it is then he will be back again very shortly, he can't resist showing off.
Constable I can't be sure and I would rather not take the chance of getting an innocent person into trouble. However I have a plan but I need some help from Hannibal here.
Hannibal I can't see what I can do. I have never driven a car and know nothing about them. But if I can help.....
Constable Come on Billy, if you are witholding information it will be my duty to....
Billy Just a minute constable. As I said I am sure this car will be back, proably driving as fast as ever. My plan is to stop him so that you can make an arrest.
Constable I can't see how we are going to do that. If I stand in the middle of the road he will no doubt knock me down, but then it is my duty so I suppose I will have to take the risk.
Billy No there is no need for that, but if Hannibal wouldn't mind doing it for you he is so big the car would have to stop.
Constable Yes I see, I think it would. But it is a bit unfair to ask Hannibal to take that risk.
Hannibal I would be glad to. I could crush that car with one foot so there is little risk to me.
Constable That is very good of you. In return I will do what I can to find a new home for you. No promises mind but I have heard of an organisation that resettles animals in their home country.
Billy I can hear the car coming back. Quick Hannibal into the middle of the road.
Here he comes.
Hannibal And what do you think you are doing young man driving at such a reckless speed?
Young Man Wha..wa..what.
Elephants can't talk.
(in car)
Hannibal This one can, so listen to me: You are to follow the constable to the police station. I will be right behind you. If you try any tricks your car will look like a pancake after I have finished with it.
Young Man Yes, yes of course. I will do anything you say.
Constable Thank you Hannibal. Consider yourself under arrest young man and follow me as the elephant said.
Hannibal I think it would be best, Billy, if you didn't tell anyone that animals can understand and talk human language. It gives us animals such pleasure to listen to what people say. They are so silly at times and wouldn't really believe it if you told them and accuse you of telling lies. I am sure the Constable will agree; it will just be a secret between the three of us.
Billy What about the young man?
Hannibal Who is going to believe him if I keep quiet? Goodbye remember what I said.
Billy Goodbye, I hope you get to Africa.