Charles I have told you before, Matilda, you can't take the Twins to see the ice carnival today. They may be on holiday but that doesn't mean they can go running about all over the place. Have you forgotten that King Neptune is visiting us today?
Enter Poppa stage right. And that goes for you too, Poppa.
Poppa Oh Father, why do I have to stay at home? I have just finished my last term at school; surely Neptune isn't interested in me?
Charles It's King Neptune if you please. I don't suppose he is interested in a silly youngster like you. But he has jurisdiction over the whole ocean and it would be disrespectful if you were not here when he called.
Twin What's jurisdiction?
Poppa It means telling children like you how to behave. I am getting fed up with your tobogganing on the ice and knocking me over; I am sure you do it deliberately.
Twin Well you will get in the way, waddling about with your beak in the air trying to impress Percival Penguin.
Matilda Now then you two. What your Father means is that King Neptune rules over all the fish and reptiles in the ocean, rather like your head teacher at school.
Twin Why?
Matilda Somebody has to. If you had no rules think what chaos there would be. Those horrible sharks would run amok and eat all the fish in the sea, including us.
Charles I think that is being a little unfair, dear: not all the sharks are bad. In fact I am on nodding acquaintance with one or two of them, although it is wise to stay clear of those you have not seen before. Remember what happened to Peregrine Penguin.......
Pippa Come on father, what did happen to Peregrine?
Charles No,no, Pippa. You are still too young, but never go near anybody that you have not been introduced to.
Pippa That doesn't sound too much like fun; I will be ancient by the time I meet anyone I like.
Matilda There is a nice young penguin that Mrs. Maguire knows; I will get her to introduce him to you on Sunday.
Pippa Brewster! That conceited idiot. He struts around thinking that he is the best penguin on two flippers.
Twin That makes two of you.
Charles We will have no more of this. Quiet all of you. There is a stranger approaching, looks like a polar bear.
Enter Peter Bear stage left. Peter Good afternoon. My name is Peter; I seem to be lost. I wonder if you can help me.
Charles Well it depends on where you want to go.
Peter I am not too sure. You see I have just finished my second year at Polar University......
Pippa Oh what were you studying?
Peter The migrating habits of fish in the southern ocean.
Pippa That could be useful.
Peter Yes I thought so. Anyhow my tutors thought that I should get some first hand experience, so here I am on what you might say is a fishing holiday.
Pippa That's not a university scarf you are wearing is it Peter? I don't recognise it.
Peter No it's not. Better than that; it is the colours of the Polar Bear ice hockey team.
Pippa Do you play?
Peter Of course, I am their top goal scorer.
Pippa How many goals?
Peter Well only one so far. We have only been playing for two seasons so are not very experienced yet.
Charles So where are you headed for Peter?
Peter As I said, I don't really know; where the fish are I suppose.
Charles Ah, you have come to the wrong place here....
Matilda But dear.....
Charles Your best bet Peter is further south, there are no fish around here. Why not start at the Pole and work outwards, much more efficient that way.
Matilda Are you sure Charles that.....
Charles Is that the baby crying? Yes I am sure it is. There must be something wrong.
Matilda Oh dear, come twins.
Exit stage right. Charles Now what was I saying? Of course: Fish are naturally attracted to the Pole, like a magnet I suppose.
Pippa (aside) What a lot of twaddle!
Charles Did you say something Pippa?
Pippa I was just remarking on how the twins waddle.
Charles Yes Peter, fish use the Pole as an assembly point and spread out from there so it should be an excellent place to start your survey. Head for that mountain over there and keep going.
Peter That is very kind of you, I will be off then. But who is this coming around the rock?
Enter Cissy Seal stage left. Charles Where? Oh that is Cissy Seal.
Peter Isn't that a fish in her mouth. I thought you said there were no fish around here.
Charles Oh that, is it a fish?
Peter It certainly is.
Pippa (aside) Get out of that one!
Charles Yes I do believe it is. I have just remembered. Cissy bought a refrigerator only last week. She gets a monthly delivery of fish from the dolphins. It saves her such a long swim if she has to get her own.
Peter But why buy a refrigerator? There is no electricity here to run it.
Charles Of course there is not. You don't need it. It is cold enough leaving the door open.
Peter Oh I see, silly of me not to think of that. Right then I will be off. Thank you for your advice. That mountain over there you said?
Charles Yes that's right, then keep going until you come to the Pole.
Peter Goodbye, and thanks again.
Exit stage left. Pippa Father, how can you tell such lies? You know full well that there is no open water at the South Pole, only ice and snow, so there can't be any fish.
Charles How do you know there are no fish? Oh agree you can't see through all that ice but that does not mean that there are none there swimming happily beneath it. But that is enough Pippa, I am not going to argue; all this modern education is giving you a swollen head. Think of the more practical things for a change. You should have realised that if I had told Peter Bear that the part of the antarctic where we live is teeming with fish then we would have had all the bears in the southern continent coming here, and that would not "bear" thinking about....mmm...I think I have just made a joke! But who is this coming, not another bear I hope.
Pippa No it can't be with those antlers sticking out from his head covered with pieces of paper. It can only be Eddie Elk with the post.
Enter Eddie Elk stage right. Hello Eddie, anything for us today?
Eddie No I am afraid not. It is a bad time of year for letters with the tourist ship season just beginning.
Charles Why is that?
Eddie It is all to do with the dolphins. As you know they handle the across seas delivery service but when the big ships come along with all those gawking humans on board the dolphins can't resist showing off, behaving like demented ducks. No sense of decorum; delivering mail is the last thing on their minds.
Charles I know. These ships are becoming a nuisance. Only the other day I was going for a walk with Matilda and the twins on the ice flow when lo and behold round an iceberg came this ship with hundreds of people staring down at us, clicking cameras. I can tell you we were into the water and away quicker than you can say "Shark's Fin."
Eddie Yes it is too bad although I understand that King Neptune has the matter in hand. But tell me something Mr. Penguin, what is that seal doing over there standing still with a fish in her mouth?
Charles Oh that's Cissy. She is very shy and not very good at fishing. But once in a while she does catch one and likes to stand around for a while to prove that she is capable of doing it. We all humour her and sometimes put a fish or two outside her den so we know she won't starve.
Eddie That is very kind of you. Well I must be on my way.
Enter Santa Claus going across stage left to right shouting "Yip pee." Was that Santa Claus. What on earth is he doing here at this time of year; it is six months to Christmas?
Charles Yes that was Santa. He is on holiday.
Santa goes across stage right to left. Eddie On holiday, but why here? He lives in Lapland at the other end of the world.
Charles Yes I know, but do you go on holiday where you live? Of course you don't. You like to see new places.
Eddie But why so far? They say Europe is wonderful for a holiday.
Charles In that heavy cloak? He would soon be a fried Santa in all that heat.
Eddie I suppose so. But surely that reindeer pulling him was not Donner or Blitzen, he looked so small?
Charles Hardly, the reindeer union would not allow one of their members to work in holiday time; they have strict rules you know.
Eddie Surely the extra money would come in handy?
Charles Extra money! No need for extra money with what they earn, Santa does it for nothing of course, but the reindeer are paid. Think of all the appearance on television at Christmas, double rates then you know.
Eddie But how do the reindeer find time to do all that and yet have the energy to pull Santa around the world?
Charles Stand-ins!
Eddie Stand-ins, how do you mean?
Charles You don't really think that one team of reindeer can do all that work in such a short space of time? Santa can because he doesn't have to pull a heavy sledge, all he has to do is to make sure that every child receives the right present; naturally computer technology makes it much easier for him these days. No the reindeer use stand-ins for the television and film appearances. You may have noticed that they have red noses, a clever trick. Put a red nose on a reindeer and everyone thinks of Santa Claus. It all came about by a fortunate set of circumstances many years ago. One of the reindeer, Donner I think it was, caught a very bad cold just before Christmas and his nose went bright red. Now in those days there were no stand-ins so Donner had to pull the sledge with the rest of the team. So as not to embarrass Donner the others decided to put on false red noses so he would not look any different from them, and the custom has continued to this day. So long as people see red noses they think it is the "A Team."
Eddie I see, so the little reindeer we have just seen pulling Santa is a stand-in?
Charles No he is not. Just a youngster on work experience, and not doing too well if I am any judge. He shouldn't be wearing that helmet and goggles and I understand he is a bit on the wild side. But I expect he will learn.
Hot air balloon drifts across background. Oh no not again! Stay there Eddie, I will be back in a minute.
Exit Charles stage right to appear behind cutout. Hello there Mr. Branson, Australia is the other way.
Branson Oh right, many thanks.
Balloon drifts off in opposite direction. Exit Charles from behind cutout to reappear stage right. Eddie You would have thought he would have got tired of that by now.
Charles Yes I know, but he is such a nice man he can be forgiven an eccentricity or two. Now I nearly forgot to ask. What is this plan of King Neptune's?
Eddie I am surprised you haven't heard by now. King Neptune is visiting all the antarctic colonies to find out whether they want to be relocated somewhere else out of the track of these cruise ships that are pestering the life out of us.
Charles Yes we have heard a rumour. If it's true what an excellent idea, but how about transport? The dolphin taxi service will not be able to cope; and accommodation, that is another difficulty.
Eddie That is something you will have to ask the King. But what a coincidence here comes the King now.
King Neptune enters stage left behind cutout. Good afternoon your Highness. I have just been telling these good folk about your relocation plans.
Neptune That is good of you my good elk; it is such a tiring job travelling the oceans these days. The Royal Whale squadron seems unable to keep up with the faster pace of modern life. We really must do something to speed up the service, perhaps double flippers at the back. Now where was I? Oh yes I remember. No doubt the elk here has explained the plan.
Charles Not entirely.
Neptune He hasn't? I thought he said......
Eddie I was in the middle of telling them all about it when you arrived sir.
Neptune I see, well what do you want to know?
Charles I was wondering about transport your Highness, and our new accommodation.
Neptune I must admit transport was a problem but my transport minister has solved that. He has managed to hire an iceberg from the South Pole agency and engaged hundreds of young dolphins and porpoises to push the thing. Problem solved. It also makes the unemployment figure much better.
Charles That sounds a wonderful idea. And the accommodation?
Neptune Now here my minister without portfolio has had a stroke of genius. Ice domes....instead of standing about in the open when not swimming why not have a roof over your head? It will stop all that snow getting on your coat and making life such a misery. We can even organise indoor games, be a change from the incessant tobogganing you penguins do down the snow slopes.
Pippa What indoor games your Majesty?
Neptune How about basket ball for a start?
Pippa That would give an octopus a big advantage.
Charles Now don't argue with the King, Pippa. There is one thing I can't understand you Highness, how are these ice domes to be made?
Neptune That is easy. We build up walls of ice blocks on some convenient ice flow and then a specially trained whale swims close by and spouts water all over like an umbrella. This freezes in the cold and there is your ice dome. Mind you we will have to wait until the middle of winter before it is cold enough.
Sounds of honking. But there is no more time, the iceberg is almost here. Are you coming?
Charles Of course, I will go and get the family. Come along Cissy, you can't stay here.
Exit all. THE END WORKPAGE